Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
