sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
