you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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