someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
