Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
