i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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