I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
