why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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