Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
