how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
