I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
