i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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