My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
