We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize