I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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