You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
