You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
