I just pynch a tree in the face
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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