I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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