Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
