life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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