I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
