Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
