Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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