Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
