I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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