perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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