Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
