it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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