You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
