I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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