WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
