Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
