I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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