i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The Olympian is in my bed
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
