so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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