I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
