I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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