Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize