You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
