Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
