There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
