i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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