Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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