Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
