I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
