I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
