I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Randomize
