I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
