thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
