you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
