okay pat passed out under dana's car
im drinking this country out of the recession.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
