I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
