I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
