My cat gives me a boner
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
