You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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