Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
