My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
