foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
