I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
